


Of The Second of December and Claustrophobia

by Thegreenofyoureyes



Series: Christmas Fics 2015 [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Christmas Fluff, Claustrophobia, Fluff, M/M, Vomiting, be careful sweet ones, claustrophobic ashton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-02
Updated: 2015-12-02
Packaged: 2018-05-04 15:19:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5338934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thegreenofyoureyes/pseuds/Thegreenofyoureyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael takes the four of them Christmas decoration shopping: it doesn't go well for Ashton. Luke is there though so it's alright.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of The Second of December and Claustrophobia

**Author's Note:**

> Once again thanks to @Tanniri on Tumblr for just all around being the greatest. And thank you for reading!

It was the second day of December, and Michael had gotten it in his head that they didn't have enough Christmas decorations. Which was fine. Correct, even, seeing as the apartment that Luke and Ashton shared with Michael and his boyfriend Calum was devoid of anything beyond the basics. The problem lay in the fact that Michael decided this needed to be remedied as soon as fucking possible. Moreover, he decided that he simply could not do it alone. 

Thus, Michael was driving himself and the three other boys to the Holiday Extravaganza Shop a little under an hour away, it was just a county over, really, in no time flat. He wasn't poor, not in the least, so the quartet left with enough Christmas decorations to overfill the small trunk of their Corola. It was so overfull, in fact, that some of it (more than any one household needed) ended up in the back seat, taking up ⅔ of the leather chairs. 

“Well fuck,” Michael said, with no remorse at all, “we’ll have to double buckle. Luke, you okay sitting on Ashton’s lap?”

Luke looked at his boyfriend, and all he saw was a cloud of apprehension inside of his hazel eyes. Honestly, Luke could see the knots forming in Ashton’s shoulders from around 3 feet away. He didn't know what to do. Ashton was a nasty combination of extremely claustrophobic and extremely prideful. 

“That alright with you Ash?” Luke asked, hoping Ashton would be able to swallow his ego enough to just say no, I may actually pass out from that. But he didn't. Ashton just nodded curtly, before whispering to Luke  
“I'll be fine. It's not a long trip. Not really, I mean.” Which was a lie. But Luke wasn't about to argue with him. Hell, maybe Ashton knew better than Luke did. Maybe he'd be okay. 

******

Ashton wasn't going to be okay. Luke was sat on his lap, and there were boxes of Christmas shit pressed right next to them, and he could actually feel how shallow, how fast Ashton’s breaths were. He should've done something. But he didn't. Honestly, Luke wondered how long it was until Ashton passed out quietly, how he'd explain it to Michael and Calum without embarrassing the older boy. He was not expecting what came next. 

“Michael. I need you to pull over. Now,” Ashton said. It was louder and lower than he usually talked, and there was an urgency, a sheer panic in his voice that made Luke’s hair stand on end. 

“Dude, we’re literally on the freeway. Where do you expect me to do that? And why?” Michael replied. He didn't seem to quite catch just how awful everything was in the back seat. 

“I don't fucking care where you pull off. Just do it.” Ashton’s breath had become so shallow that Luke was wondering if he was getting oxygen at all. There was also the matter of the nails digging into his hips, which he was sure would leave bruises that Ashton would beat himself up over for days. And yeah, this was his fault. He should've swallowed his pride and objected. But he didn't, and Luke didn't either. 

“Right, I heard you the first time, but why? Like why should I do that?”

Luke couldn't take it. 

“Please, Michael. Just pull off. There's an exit up there.”

“It's a fucking dirt road to a farm, you want me to pull off here?” But his blinkers were already set. Something about the earnestness of Luke’s tone. 

The car hadn't completely stopped before Ashton was unbuckling and shoving Luke off of him. There was snow on the ground, and more falling, but Ashton didn't care. He bolted out and leaned on the car’s hood, looking quite ill and breathing heavily. The other three exited quickly and positioned themselves a safe distance from Ashton, as if he were a cornered Animal. Hell, maybe he was. 

“What the fuck was that, Irwin?” Michael asked, with more anger than Luke thought was entirely necessary. 

Ashton didn't respond, instead turning away from the car and into the fields next to them, vomiting violently before dry heaving a bit. 

“Oh fuck, are you okay?” Michael’s anger had left his voice entirely, as he made his way over to the eldest boy. 

“What do you think you're doing?” Luke had yelled, running and grabbing Michael’s arm with more strength than was perhaps necessary, “don't touch him!”

“Anybody want to tell me what's going on?” Calum asked icily. 

“I'm sorry,” Ashton replied, voice shaky and raw “I'm so sorry. I thought I could do it, but I can't. I can't do this oh my god. Luke you can't sit on my lap. I'm so sorry. We have to do it some other way.”

“What the fuck? How do you think that makes Luke feel? His fucking boyfriend can't have him on his lap for one stupid car trip?” Calum replied, more fire than ice this time. 

“I'm fine. It's fine. It's not about me. I know that, c’mon Ash, you know that too,” Luke said, letting go of Michael warily. 

“Right well if it's not about you, then what is it? Is he fucking allergic to Christmas?” Michael asked, all of his anger returned. 

“No, I'm not allergic to Christmas I--” but he was interrupted by a bout of panic at how close Calum had gotten, backing away so quickly that Luke’s heart hurt. Luke only beat himself up a bit for not noticing Calum’s approach, for the hurt look in Calum’s eyes

“He's claustrophobic,” Luke said, eyeing both Michael and Calum “like, really claustrophobic. That was, this is, actually, a panic attack. Now don't fucking try and get closer, please?”

“He's claustrophobic?” Michael said, with a laugh that was more scared than humorous “why didn't we know this? I mean, fuck, I wouldn't have asked you to do that if I'd known, Ash, why didn't you tell us?” He only had to yell a bit. 

“Because,” Ashton said, drawing warily closer “it's fucking embarrassing.”

“You're shaking,” Calum commented. He was right. Ashton was absolutely tremoring. Honestly, Luke worried he would fall over, and there was nothing he could do about it without sending the older boy into a further panic.

“I fucking know, Calum. You think I don't? God. Why am I like this?” He knew the answer. He'd told Luke after the first time Ashton opted to sleep on the floor instead of in bed with Luke. Ashton had been exploring a cave when he was younger, when some rocks fell on him and trapped him inside for hours. It wasn't until the next morning that rescuers showed up, and by then the psychological damage had set in pretty firmly. 

“Hey,” Michael said with a kindness rare to his tone “it's not your fault. We're not mad at you. You just scared us, man. Like a lot. You should've seen yourself, you were fucking insane. But, like, it's nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“Yes it is,” Ashton replied, stepping away from the group and back towards the hood of the car, which was now covered in snow, “it's like… It's like I'm this one person, you know? Like I'm strong, and I'm brave, and I like adventure. That's me. Then there's this fucking thing that happens that takes all of that away from me. And then I'm just panicked and wild and half the time I don't even remember what triggered it. It just happens and there's nothing I can do to stop it. It's a fucking sickness. God,” and yeah, Ashton was crying now. Wet, hot tears melting the snow on the car. He was still shaking too, and Luke wished he could tell the others without embarrassing Ashton further that a)they never speak of this in a funny way, ever and b) he does not need a hug. You going up to him is the opposite of comforting. Let him have his space. Instead he settled for   
“Babe?” Luke waited until Ashton met his eyes, distraught at just how wrong Ashton’s looked, they had none of their usual brightness, “babe, you're fine now. We’re not gonna touch you. Look at how much room there is, yeah? Everything's fine now.”

“I know, Luke. I just. I can't calm down right now. Fuck.”

“I know, I know you're trying. I'm proud of you. You did a good thing telling Michael you needed to stop. But now you need to take deep breaths, okay? Slow and deep. For me.” Ashton wasn't stupid. Honestly, he was more of the caretaker within their relationship if there was any discrepancy at all. He had a hard time, though, calming down alone. He'd once told Luke that his attacks used to last hours, and he used to puke every time. This was the first vomit in almost 6 months. Ashton had been so proud of himself. 

“It's fucking cold,” Michael said softly to Luke as Ashton’s breaths labored in the background, “is he gonna be okay? Like I know that when my cousin gets panic attacks his body temperature always ends up dropping way down. I don't want him to freeze. Hell, I don't want us to freeze. How long does this usually take?”

“I don't know. Usually about 45 minutes I think? Honestly, I'm never really looking at the clocks. I'm usually just finding the best way to trap him in so he doesn't hurt himself while making him feel like he's not trapped at all.”

“Is this why he doesn't cuddle with us?” Calum asked. 

“Yeah, it is,” Ashton replied for himself. He was still shaking pretty badly, but his breathing had evened out to some extent. He still stood painfully far away though. Luke just wanted this all to be over. 

“Shit man. I'm sorry for, like, pressuring you. Thanks for never trying and ending up puking on us. That was considerate,” somehow, Calum knew exactly how to tow the party line on what would make Ashton crumble and what would make him laugh. 

“Honestly, it's not really for you. It's not like this is fun,” and it was the pain in Ashton’s voice that really killed Luke. The boy had been to a handful of therapists, all of which had been too much for him. He was too broken to get better, to some extent. 

“Doesn't look like it, man. You okay?” Michael asked. 

“Not really, no. It's fucking cold but I'm all hot, yet I can't stop shaking. And my heart is going way too fast, like I shouldn't even be able to feel my fucking heart, but I can. And I trust you guys more than anything, but the second you take a step closer I run away. I don't even control it and that's bullshit. I hate being scared of my friends. And I just want to calm down enough that I can get back in the car and go home and go to sleep because I always feel like I've run a fucking marathon after I'm done. And I'm just so embarrassed that you saw me like this. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do this to you.”

“It's okay. You're all good,” Calum replied with a gentle smile and no movement towards Ashton “but, like, any idea how far out we are? Like can we get back in the car now?”

“No,” Luke and Ashton answered at the same time. 

“Unless he's driving,” Luke continued, “cars are pretty bad for him to begin with. He’ll let us know when he's good to go.”

So the four of them stood at a strange distance on a snowy pull of from a dirt road for about 30 more minutes. Conversation was as diverse as the situation allowed, and none of those capable got back into the car once, feeling too much for the boy leaning on it with shaking arms. It was fucking cold, and the light was fleeting fairly quickly. In some paraiahcal way it was nice, it felt like a stronger friendship. 

“I think I'm ready now,” Ashton finally said, propping himself up fully. He ran a hand through his limp, disheveled hair. In spite of the temperature, the boy was drenched in sweat, “I think I can get back in the car. We should probably sit for a minute before we take off though, just in case. And honestly I'm too tired to drive, but I can't get back into the back seat. Sorry Cal.”

“It's fine, dude. I don't mind at all. I'm sure Mike is fine driving, too. You really don't have to be sorry anymore. Honestly anything you had to be sorry for has been paid in full. That looked fucking awful,” Calum says as they all get in. 

“It is fucking awful. Zero out of ten stars.”

“Speaking of stars,” Michael said “let's just leave all the Christmas shit in the car when we get home, yeah? Let's fucking watch a movie and chill out.”

They all make noises of agreement, and Ashton has been sitting in the passenger’s seat with no signs of worsening for about two minutes now, so it seems as if they're good to go. 

The rest of the ride home is relatively uneventful. Ashton has to roll his window down at some point which is fucking cold and fucking sad, but the drive is almost over by then so everything is almost okay. He looks a bit ashen and a lot defeated, though. Which just won't do. 

As soon as they step out of the car, Luke gently puts his hand near Ashton’s, silently asking permission to hold it. And yeah, it's not easy living like this. There's a joy in spontaneity that gets taken from Luke, from both of them, sometimes by something that neither of them can control. But Ashton smiles up at him with tired eyes as if he's saying yeah, you can kiss me now, so Luke does. It's short and it's simple, but it does its job. Ashton seems more relaxed than he had before. It's amazing what simple affection can do. 

When they were situated by the tv, ready to watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Luke looked at Ashton’s tired eyes. He thought that maybe he wouldn't be the first to fall asleep during the movie this time. And yeah, it broke his heart a little bit when Ashton decisively sat himself in the one person arm chair rather than their usual spot, he clearly still needed space, but Ashton gestured to the pillow that had made its way to the floor next to the chair. Luke didn't even hesitate before sitting down, and Ashton’s hand was playing with his hair quickly. It was an incredible thank you. 

Maybe this wasn't the ideal way to start the Christmas season, certainly not the best memory to have, but they were stronger friends now, and maybe that's what the buildup to the holidays is all about.

**Author's Note:**

> Day 2 is over so this is exciting! These fics are not in the same universe necessarily, and later ones will deviate.


End file.
